At this point in my weight loss journey I was supposed to be a whole lot skinnier than I am. I sort of just tapped out at 30 pounds. Most days I just want to give up because, really, in essence, I have given up. I don't try very hard most of the time and the times I am trying hard are completely undermined by the rest of the time. But I can't give up because if I do I will return to where I was. The times I am trying hard are keeping me from returning. So really I am just maintaining which is better that returning but isn't good enough to keep losing.
Have I lost you yet?
I wonder why I don't try. This is the part that baffles me the most. If there is something you want, something you know you can have, then what stops you from getting it?
I need someone smarter than me to tell me the answer and for free. Because I like free.
It's like my intentions are good. But so is ice cream. Ice cream is really really good. And so are homemade chocolate chip cookies, which Cicely won't stop making.
PMS is bad but nachos are good. Clothes that are too tight are bad but chili cheese fries are good.
Do you see where this is going? I know why it's hard. Because food is good. But what I don't get is why I want to be at a healthier weight and eat all the food at the same time. This is the part that is nonsensical.
I am going to go workout now, because I have terrible PMS, the eating kind, and I am hoping that the time spent moving my body will allow me to think more about this because heaven knows, I have not thought nearly enough about it.
I have a lot of bad habits and thinking endlessly about my weight is one of them.
Speaking of things I think about....Amelia, who is seven, is a constant form of entertainment in this house.
When I got my new cell phone she confiscated my old one. It didn't work but she pretended it did. She is a master pretender. She texted and made calls and carried that thing around until she misplaced it. She asks everyone if they've seen her cell phone. She is lost without it.
Her bestie is Taylor Swift. They have spent hours chatting and texting back and forth. Amelia has helped her write songs, counselled her in love and just basically been there for TayTay.
One day they were having a particularly long discussion, one in which Tay was doing most of the talking. You'll have to use your imagination for this because it was funny and I laughed for hours and you will too if you imagine it properly.
Amelia, laying on the couch with her feet up, as only a friend of Taylor Swift could do: I know, right? Mmm hmmm. Yep. I know, right? Totally. Pfft. Whatever. I know, right?
A: Get outta here! Really? He said what? Are you going to write a song about it?
A: I know, right? He's not even cute. Pfft. I know, right?
A: You should totally write a song about that because it would be a great song. I'll text you my ideas.
A: Really? Yep. I know. Totally. Yep. Okay. I know, right?
So sassy. It goes on like this for what seems like an eternity. The other children are starting to twitch and show general signs of insanity.
Amelia stands up, phone pressed to her ear, peering at me in the kitchen, all the other kids are around staring at her like she just grew another head. Which she may as well have for as bizarre as this imaginary convo was. She begins to walk around the couch, still sassy as ever giving everyone the hip and the neck cock, as if she dared us to challenge her. She is staring down the teenager who is glaring at her and as she does she trips on a box and falls down.
I wait for it. The squeal. The shriek. The crying. The blame of her fall on the stare of her brother. I mean, she's down. She's down hard. And instead of the crying I would have put money on I hear this.
A: Tay?. . . I'm going to have to call you back.
And now I workout. Good day.