Tuesday, May 28, 2013

the 'burbs

Have you ever seen The 'Burbs? The one where Tom Hanks stalks his neighbours because he's slightly insane and it turns out his neighbours are mass murdering psychopaths so it was right to stalk them like he did?

The other night I was Tom Hanks. Stalking my suspicious neighbour out my bedroom window. And then my living room window. And then my kitchen window. And then my bedroom window again. And then my living room window again.

Until I lost his trail.

It was late, I was getting ready for bed and he caught me peeking at him out my window so he stopped what he was doing and nonchalantly roamed his driveway until I had convinced him I wasn't looking anymore.

But I was.

Because nothing tingles my senses like you acting all weird-like.

He went around the side of his house and filled a wheelbarrow full of something, I'm sure it was body parts. He approached his driveway and looked around. He looked up at me but I'm nothing if not super sleuthy. He saw nothing. When he was sure he was alone in the dark, with his wheelbarrow full o' body parts he started out and began pushing that thing up the road.

Where on earth was he going with a wheelbarrow full of body parts?

I ran down to the living room. The man followed me. "What are you doing?" Clearly the excitement was more than he could bear, it got him out of bed.

"Our neighbour is acting weird. He has a wheelbarrow full of something and he's pushing it this way. I'm sure it's body parts."

"You're insane, I'm going back to bed."

Pfft. Whatever. Someone needs to protect the neighbourhood. Men.

I scampered between the kitchen and the living room trying to locate him. We live on the corner, I have a decent view of many directions but where did he go?


I ran back up to my room and peered out the window again. I noticed he'd left a wet trail behind. I'm sure it was blood but it was hard to tell with the night sky. I ran back down the stairs again to follow the trail. It went down the sidewalk beside my house and out of view.


The whole thing was sending me over the edge.

Since I was in my underwear and really too lazy to get dressed and follow the blood trail to this crazy man's location I chose to stand at my window and wait for his return. He was gone for some time but did finally return with an empty wheelbarrow and a look on his face that told the whole story.

I just don't know what that story is.

But I am watching you neighbour.






  1. You are hysterical!

  2. Love it! Maybe he was dumping toxic waste down a sewer drain? Watch out. The ninja turtles are coming.