Thursday, April 4, 2013

i promise not to use the word 'vagina'

The quack in me loves the quacky things in life. Like acupuncture and Chinese herbs and essential oils. Are those quacky?

I guess it depends who you ask.

I recently came to own a little bottle of magic called Past Tense. It's a concoction of oils that you can roll onto your head when you have a headache.

And mercy, I have those.

This stuff is great, and this is actually a story I am telling, not an infomercial. Although I do think the stuff is great.

So anyway, the other day I had a doozy of a headache, I blame the weather change but this is not the point. My head was pounding. Throbbing. Hurting so much I was feeling the need to medicate with a bottle of Advil. But because I'm quacky I reached for the oily treasure first.

I rolled it onto my forehead. Then I rolled it along the back of my neck. Then...I rolled big round rolly rolls on my temples. It was like I was putting up wallpaper on the sides of my head. And then I sat down to do homework. My head bent forward.

Big mistake.

The oil rolled into my left eye and before I knew it I was running around shrieking. My left eyeball was on fire. I had oil all over my hands from trying to control the situation. My makeup was waterfalling down my face. I went into the bathroom and wet a cloth and put it to my eye.

The pain subsided, eventually. I stared at my messed up face and red eye in the mirror and it was determined, by me, that I had to pee.

So, I sat to pee. I unwound some toilet paper, rolled it into a ball and rested my head into it.

I am wondering yet if you know where this is going.

When I was done doing what I was doing I took my face out of my hands. The face that had the oil on it. The hands that were holding the toilet paper.

And I stood.

And wiped myself...

P.S. Don't forget to enter my birthday giveaway in the last post!!!


  1. When I was growing up there was a saying we had in our house, and it is so appropriate for you today --- "You can laugh and still be sorry!" So so sorry, but I really am almost rolling on the floor right now! ;)

  2. Catherine, I really am sorry for your "pain"... but I have to say that you sure do make me laugh. And just in the nic of time, I was having the worst week... thank you for delighting me me with your story.