Forgive me Nutritionist, for I have sinned. It has been two weeks since my last confession. And in that two weeks I have had Chinese food twice and 3 Crave cupcakes.
If you give a girl Chinese food she's going to want a Crave cupcake to go with it. So you'll drive her to the cupcake store and she'll spend forever trying to decide between Red Velvet Elvis and the Dark Angel. And when she's finished eating it she'll want another.
So just don't even start with the whole Chinese food thing. Okay?
And for penance she will plan to run and run and run and run to burn off all the cursed Chinese food. But in the meantime, if you give a girl an idea to paint her bedroom she'll go out and buy paint. And if you give a girl paint then she'll ask for a paint brush to go with it. When the brush is in her hand she'll paint a bedroom at mach speeds that leave her so sore the next day she can't run.
She can't even sit on the toilet to pee without wincing and whimpering in pain. Pain from the painting.
This makes no sense, I am aware. But it happened. For real happened and not maybe sort of, might have, could have happened like the Battle of Troy. Or King Kong.
When the girl paints the room she'll notice that her bedding doesn't match. And neither does the headboard. Or the pillows. And there needs to be curtains.
Because dark rooms need light curtains.
She'll ask for a store that sells curtains. She'll shop for curtains and the curtains will remind her that she hates her light fixture. So she'll buy a light fixture. And a mirror. And a curtain rod. And fabric for a headboard and picture frames and a cute little crystal flower wall hook system and...
Stop the madness.
She'll spend two days putting it all together to create an amazing, romantic love nest that she'll never want to leave again. And it will be a good thing that she doesn't want to leave because she can't leave. She's too sore from moving so fast and so hard for two straight days.
If you give a girl muscles that are so sore she can barely sit to pee she won't want to run off the Chinese food. If she can't run off the Chinese food then she has to confess her food crimes to her nutritionist who will be so thrilled with her sore muscles that he'll give her weight lifting exercises to do over the next week so as not to lose the momentum of her residual muscle soreness from the painting.
Penance. Punishment for crimes committed against the body. In the form of Chinese food and Crave cupcakes. And painting. And now squats and lifts and lunges and all sorts of demented contortions of the body.
Well, this and one million hail Mary's.
The girl will determine that this level of physical activity will make her hungry. When she realizes she's hungry she may want Chinese food to satisfy her. But...if you give a girl Chinese food she'll want a Crave cupcake to go with it.
And another. And another...
7 days until my next confession.