Three weeks after I popped that little white pill I was walking through the University campus and I caught myself smiling.
I should stop here because really, what else do you need to know?
Except maybe the fact that I hadn't found myself to be happy in a moment for a very long time. Not that I am not ever happy, because I absolutely am. But never just on my own like that. Not for a long, long time. And never in a moment where I would normally expect to find myself feeling frustrated and annoyed. Snappy and rude. Wishing I was somewhere else, doing something else, wondering why I can never just be calm and feel at peace in a moment. This is the moment I seemed to be stuck in, living every minute of every day.
In this particular moment I felt happy and calm. Everything was easy, as it should be. In that moment.
And in that moment I didn't have the running piggies.
I felt 3 million percent better.
I thought that maybe, just maybe, the little white pills were working. And then it happened again and again and again. I found myself often feeling happy, and excited, and peaceful.
What's that? What are the running piggies, you ask? Well, let me tell you all about them. The running piggies is what my acupuncturist calls that awful feeling around your heart when you suffer from anxiety. It's that heaviness, that pressure, that gathering sense of panic that fills your lungs and consumes your soul. There was a team of little piggies (or is it a herd? or a flock? or a gaggle? or maybe a murder?) Yes, there was a murder of piggies running around my soul. Like someone fed them only sugar. Upheaval. They were trying to get out. Or ruin me. They were always there.
It was constant.
I didn't know how badly I suffered from anxiety until it went away.
It has now been almost two months since I took that dreaded first pill and I have stabilized. There is still a titch of anxiety, there's supposed to be. Feeling too good is a red flag. But the running piggies are gone and if you suffer from anxiety you know that those running piggies are exhausting and have the potential of keeping you from your life.
I've been reinserted back into my life, which is such a good thing because my life is so full and busy. Someone needs to be in it, living it.
So, what does medicating for anxiety have to do with PMDD and insomnia? Good question. And this here has been my experience:
If you get rid of the anxiety you'll sleep better. That just makes sense if it's anxiety keeping you awake at night. Am I sleeping better?
Oh, yes, baby. I am sleeping better.
Now the PMDD can be a real nuisance. And the meds do not take that away, except for the running piggies, of course. Well mostly, but you can't have everything, can you? Actually, maybe if I started heroine I could have everything but...
Wait...no. That isn't right. Heroine is bad. Don't do drugs.
My point is, what is my point? Let's see...my point is...I feel great. The anxiety is gone for the most part and the part that isn't gone can be dealt with with some deep breaths because there are no more running piggies. The dreadful insomnia induced headaches are gone, which as it turns out are also completely exhausting unto themselves. My energy is through the roof. I can just go and go and go.
Me now compared to me a year ago are two totally different people. And trust me when I tell you this is a good thing.
I believe there is a moral here somewhere and I don't believe it's if you aren't feeling happy you should pop pharmaceuticals because I am not a pill pusher nor do I have an aversion to feeling.
Everybody should be feeling something. It was the lack of feeling anything that kept me from trying the meds in the first place. I was afraid I would never feel anything. That I would be numb. It's important to feel. This I know.
But now, I also know that sometimes in life we need help with not being sucked into an abyss of feeling bad all the time. That it's okay to explore your options and to take your time to do that. It's okay to trust the people you love and your doctors and maybe try something new even though you're terrified.
But more importantly, you need to know you. And if you feel that you don't know you then you need to spend some time getting to know you because you are the bomb and bombs are awesome.
All right, time to wrap this up. I'm sure I have a bazillion more things to say on the matter and I'm sure that over time I will say them. But right now I need to get on with life because life will only hold off for about 30 minutes when I am trying to blog something. After that it starts screaming in my ear for attention.
"I'm coming. Hold your horses!!"
That was me hollering at life. Good day.
And the end.