"You'll take the drugs. That is what you'll do." The man said this to me like it was a no brainer. How was he so sure? How could he be so sure when I was so unsure? He is just a man after all, what does he know of hormones?
Only that he's lived with me for 17 years. Whatever.
"I don't know..." was my response as it usually is when I am riddled with capricious and vindictive hormones.
"Well, I know. I'm telling you to try them. If it doesn't work then it doesn't work. But you're going to try."
And with this I began the pondering that led me to unload and seek advice from some very smart and wonderful friends (you know you are!) who backed up what the man said.
Why was everyone so against me?? I did not want to medicate. Why was everyone so on board with the idea? Are they wanting to watch me ruin myself? I couldn't figure it out.
Oh waiiiiiiiit a sec......they aren't against me. They are pro sanity. And I am insane. So therefore, if I take the meds I might find sanity and I won't ruin me by refusing to get better which might just be...ruining me.
Okay, now I get it.
I am the one who is a sleep deprived, hormonal hurricane of irrationality and unreasonable-ness. I'm the one who has no clue, everyone else gets it.
And just like that, I gave up the control I thought I had of an issue I actually had no control over. I decided to take the pills. And with the promise from the man that if I turned into a zombie or a homicidal maniac he would take me off the pills I popped the first little white magic maker.
Or so I hoped.
Fast forward three weeks, I am mostly over the stomach upset I was told I would experience. I am waiting and waiting and waiting for any sign that the pills are taking away my anxiety.....