Monday, June 11, 2012

that's it! i'm making a list!

When we were kids my parents had this giant Indian Red 15 seater van. We had lots of kids in our family and that van served us well in transporting our butts to and fro. Sometimes we'd be driving along, getting silly, getting loud, getting annoying and my dad would yell,

"That's it! I'm making a list!"

At this point we knew some rule was about to be made that would never be followed and soon forgotten. But what he was trying to say was "please, for the love of everything calm and quiet, SHUT UP!"

That's really what he was saying.

One time I heard him threaten us with the list three times before we finally begged him to make the list already so we could get on with our lives.

I think my temperament is very much like my father's. I let it go until I can't take it anymore. I pray for quiet, order, peace, and an environment filled with happy people and rid of contention. When my silent prays are not answered I crack.

I snap.

The other day I was out and about. It came to a point where I felt like I had been annoyed for the very last time by some person or another.

I felt the crack. I heard the snap.

And then I heard myself scream out into the universe. "That's it! I'm making a list!"

Soooooo many things I want to put on this list.

So very. many. things.

For example........

When I get a book from the library and the bar code is placed right over top of part of the title I want to ask someone: why do you do that? Why can't you put it above? Or even underneath? I don't mind scanning my book underneath the title. Or even on top of the title. I don't mind that and I wasn't picky until you covered the title. But I do sort of mind when you cover the title. It seems unnecessary and sort of disrespectful to the author. When I am an author I am going to ask that you not cover my awesome title with your flippant bar codes.

Please and thank you.

Line ups. This is another thing that baffles my mind and confounds my soul. When you walk into a restaurant or the food fair or the Little Caesars or the bank or the 7-11 or the Costco, when it's packed and all the people are funnelling down the aisles and there seems to be only one line but really it's 10 lines combined, or anywhere on this earth where a line up might be occurring, please take a moment and figure out how the lines are working.

Is it one line serving multiple tills? Is it one line PER till? Ask yourself questions like "what's going on here?" and "where am I going to fit in in this situation?" and "how can I NOT annoy all the very many people?" Figure it out and then find your place.

Do not. And I repeat DO NOT walk into a scenario where line ups may be and change the rules just because you don't like how things are set up.

Don't be that guy. Don't be him because no one likes that guy.

I can understand and appreciate why when you walk up to the A&W in the mall and there are three ladies working the till and there is only one line why you might feel frustrated with that situation. I can understand why you, in all your brilliant wisdom, might think that it is running inefficiently and therefore may feel the urge to take action into your own capable hands. You might just want to take your place in a new line of your own creation, ignoring all the people who have all been standing there waiting in one line, patiently, like nice normal people do. You would notice, if you bothered to take the time, that the line is actually not moving that slowly because, after all, there are three ladies working the tills.

Go with the flow. Don't change the flow. No one likes the flow changer. It's not rocket science. Figure it out and go with it.

I am definitely putting this on the list: Sometimes, most of the time, when I turn the vehicle on to prepare it for a journey, great or small, one of the children will inevitably say something like this, or something exactly like this, "Can you turn it up?" They are referring to the volume of the music, of course.

Let me clarify. All of this happens within 3 nanoseconds of the vehicle being ignited for take off.

Three nanoseconds and already they have decided that the music is not loud enough?

Oh mercy, I hate that. Give me a second, you guys. Please, I am begging you. Just one second to get my seatbelt on and maybe, at the very least, to come to terms with the fact that I have to drive somewhere with you.

Then maybe you can demand that the music be louder.

Okay? Okay??

Also, on the list? Change giving. Why is this such a hard thing for folks? When you give me my change do not put the bill in my hand and then place the coinage on top of that bill. This makes me bananas.

Seriously bananas.

Give me my change. And then hand me my bills. And then you can deal with the receipt.

I mean, you are talking to someone who did Safeway school twice. TWICE, people. Don't ask. But I do know what I'm talking about.

I object to this form of backwards and highly obnoxious change giving. I strenuously object.

Knock it off.

And finally, to round things out today. This officially went on the list last night but really, it has always been on the list so.........

Do not put something on the stove or into the oven and then walk away and expect it to magically stop cooking itself when it's done and then put itself on a plate and then find it's own way to your mouth.

If you are cooking yourself something then you are cooking yourself something.

I am not doing it for you.

And that, my friends, is my list. Or at least, part of my list. Because like I said, there are many many things that need to be on the list. But I know it's hard to absorb too much info at once. So read this over and over and make sure you are not an offender of any good and decent behaviour.

After you have memorized the list you may carry on.


  1. The change thing? That. Yes. Amen sister...

  2. Also put the change in my hand not on he counter. And if a new line starts let the NEXT person in line go

  3. Okay, I just caught up on your last three posts in a row and ink you should win an aware for being the most random blogger ever! Do you sometimes just write to just write or do you actually have a purpose!?!

  4. That should say: "Okay, I just caught up on your last three posts in a row and think you should win an award for being the most random blogger ever! Do you sometimes just write to just write or do you actually have a purpose!?!
    I should get an award for worst grammar/spelling in a comment ever!

    1. And maybe most confusing? And borderline insulting?

    2. I think my blog is pretty consistent in it's randomness.

    3. I wholeheartedly enjoy your randomness. I often have similar thoughts, but there is no way I oculd put it into words as well as you.

  5. Oh, that change thing is good.
    More posts like this please. I like you angry.

  6. Random or not, I'm loving your blog! My husband does the volume thing when I turn on the TV - at least give me the chance to change it first. And the change on bills - so annoying.

  7. Love this list. Love your list. And as for writing to just write or having a purpose I think it is evident that your glorious purpose is to "just write". Right?