Tuesday, April 24, 2012

life lessons. part 2

So no one wants my free stuff. I don't want it either so I get it. Whatever, Kijiji will eat it up. Just you wait and see.

I know there is one thing you do want for free, though, and that is my advice. Because my advice is awesome.

Completely and totally awesome. And free.

Remember awhile ago when I shared some extremely valuable life lessons with you? Things I learned the hard way? Things that I figured you couldn't live without? Well, I have more for you.

Lots more. Shall we start?

1. When you are getting ready for church and you want to lotion up your feet because you always lotion your feet, and also, it's nice out and you've been wearing flip flops and now your feet are getting all crusty, think twice. Think twice because you will probably be putting your big tall heels on. Your feet might then slide all over inside your pretty black patent heels and if you're lucky enough to not break your ankle trying to walk to your truck then your feet will slide all the way down to the toes of your shoes and the lesson you are trying to teach to the people will be torturous because your feet hurt so bad.


2. When you get the bright idea to buy one of those energy bracelets from the mall because you think it might change your life for the better, take into consideration that it may also change your life for the worse. And when you wear it for 8 days and you are so viciously cranky you start googling demonic possession you'll be smart enough to take it off. You may be so pleased with yourself for figuring it out but then, after a week, you'll forget how bad it was and put it back on. But then....... eight days later.....


3. When you are getting ready for church and you decide your hair should be straight you should think twice before you straighten it. Ask yourself a few questions first. Like: is it hot outside? Do I have to teach a lesson today? Because you know that teaching makes you sweat and sweat and straightened curly hair do not mix. Then ask yourself: did I lotion my feet and are they going to slide down my pretty black patent heels and end up crammed, in agony, at the toe? Because this stress will add to your sweaty scalp whilst you're teaching the people and by the end of the second hour of church you'll want to cry because not only do your feet hurt so bad but also, you look like a Bohemian. Frizzy hair. Bohemian.


4. If you move yearly keep your packing boxes because, well....you move yearly.


And yes, I do keep them. Because I move yearly.

5. When you ask the wee one to help you pack up her room because you are moving, again, and she says you can pack up 'most' of her toys because she can wait a couple of weeks to play with them, you believe her. You believe her because you know that she doesn't really play with those toys anyway so what could possibly be the big deal? Well, when she cries herself to sleep every night for 2 weeks because the toys are already at the new house you can kick yourself for your awesome efficiency and also your wicked stupidity.


6. Always carry a block of wood with you. This way you can knock on it when you proclaim to your progeny how awesome your 3 year old hot pink flip flops are doing. The knowledge of another year with your favourite flip flops will brighten your day and lift your spirits. You'll be so pleased when it's nice enough out to wear them that you'll just have to say something. Out loud. But....if you don't knock on the wood you have in your back pocket then shortly after your enthusiastic proclamation your favourite flip flops will break. On the first wear of the season.


7. Don't be surprised when you drive a bucket of army men back and forth from the old house to the new house 4 times because no one has listened to your specific instruction that it is getting donated and there is no need to take it to the new house. You unpack it from the truck, yourself, 4 times and wonder each time: what is the point? No one listens. Save your breath.


Breath is good. Wood is good. Wee ones are good. Packing boxes are good. Curly hair is good. Energy bracelets are not good. Lotion is good. Just not before church.

Life lessons are good.