Monday, March 12, 2012

what is that smell?

Where do I start? I don't even know. The past few days have been a whirlwind. But today I am having difficulty finding my happy place.

Where is my happy place?

Usually, when I am feeling this tortured, I can identify the cause. But this morning I simply can not.

I feel unhappy.

I am hoping it's fatigue. I am guessing it's fatigue. I almost feel sick.

All I can smell is Lizzie poop but I can not find any Lizzie poop. So why does it smell like poop in here?

I just spent three nights away in a hotel in which the air conditioning would not work. The air was stale and hot. I was uncomfortable and didn't sleep well. I relished the idea of coming home and sleeping in my own bed but as soon as I laid my head down last night I knew sleep was not on the agenda.

And I was right.

I crawled, begrudgingly, out of bed this morning grouchy and miserable. I wondered how such a great weekend could lead me here. To the place where my family is. The place where I need to be.

How is it I can be so despondent in this place?

Making lunches. Doing hair. Listening to the dog bark........

Back to reality.

This is my life. And as much as I love these people I am feeling unhappy today. Amelia asked me if I wanted to go back to the hotel and I quickly responded with a NO. I do not want to go back to the hotel.

That was a relief. Being away from them isn't what I want either. All I want is my bed with the promise of a restful sleep.

Maybe tonight.

The conference was great. I'm not going to tell you all about it. I will tell you I laughed and I cried and I learned a lot. Sometimes I was irritated and bored and may have tweeted tweets that were not so tweety.

Or rude tweets, for the layperson.

Whatever, I can be rude, not only is it my right but it may have a special place inside my nature. I think it's nestled up beside sarcasm somewhere deep within the abyss of me. All in all, it was a great weekend and I would do it again and again and again.

Maybe one day I'll tell you about the things I learned. But then again, maybe one day I'll just show you instead.

I did learn a couple of things, though, that I'll share right now.

One, women love wine. I have never, in my life, seen so much wine. Being the only LDS person (or the only one I knew of anyway) at such a large venue is very eye opening. It's a different world, for sure. And it's been a long time since I have been in a situation even remotely close to something like that.

Two, Google Analytics and I will not be getting married anytime soon. It has some wooing to do. Youknowwhatimean?

Three, coming home to what I came home to was worth every minute of being away. Never have I come home to such happiness and love and an atmosphere that proved to me that my existence here is wanted, appreciated and treasured.

Turkey dinner with all the fixings, dessert, a made bed (he made the bed, people. What the??), the front door mat was vacuumed (you have no idea what this means to me), dinner was cleaned up and put away in it's entirety, happy children...........

What a treat. So to wake up and feel so upside down has created in me a level of guilt I don't care for.

I want a do over.



  1. Yes-- the front door mat at my house was COATED in mud. I've got major cleaning to do in the front hall today. And maybe no laundry at all got done...sigh.

    But everyone is alive and happy and that is all that matters! As much fun as the kids had with Dad, they missed me tonnes!!

    Thanks for a lovely weekend. It was nice getting to eat with you, chat with you and just in general-- spend more time with you (even if we were tweeting ugly things about Google Analytics).

  2. Sometimes those bad days are hard to understand, but the reason for how you are feeling will hopefully come. Sleep is definitely a big factor for me (and I am with you on the tired today, ugh!)

    I've had conference experiences before that left me feeling anxious and well, "off". It took me a long time to be ready for another one.

    Hope your day gets better no matter what the reason behind it all is!

  3. I also feel really tired and irritated today, must have something to do with learning too much this weekend? (Or in my case, maybe it was the wine!)

  4. Sorry to hear all this, but happy to hear your honesty about it! My image of your weekend still ended with your beaming little boy on the doorstep so anxious to see you home he had to come out! Loved it. And it's ok to feel at odds and upside down. It sucks, but it's ok