Saturday, February 4, 2012

a saturday catch up

People, I have a cold. And no one cares.

It's not a bad cold. I did that once and it was horrible so I haven't done it since. I am deeply saddened, however, that this mini, one nostril plugged, headache/sinus ache, sore throat inducing cold has broken my 6 year streak of not getting sick.

It is a sad day to concede such a thing.

I think my pup might care. She'd be the only one though. She is whining a sad, haunting aria from her kennel. I am kennel training her and she is forced to stay there against her sad pathetic will. Poor little thing.

But I am forced to listen to her whine. Poor little me.

With a tiny sneezy, pressurized cold in my head.

And to boot. I have PMS. You know what? I haven't talked about PMS in a long time. Wanna talk about it?


All right, then.

The man is cranky and unbearable. And the female teenager infuriated my PMS last night right before I went to bed. I was thinking about getting her a little gift for doing me such a solid. Maybe a bag of dog poop, lit on fire, right outside her bedroom door. I could knock and run away. That would learn her, right? And I have a dog now so getting poop is easy.

If I had a million dollars, or in this day and age it would have to be more like a billion dollars, I would build a place, a spa-like place, where women with severe PMS could go to get away from the morons, I mean people, who live in her house.

Doesn't that sound amazing? And all the women there would know that all the other women there are cranky and unreasonable and borderline insane so we would all stay away from each other. Sit in silence and read or sleep or smash stuff.

If I was rich I would give this to the world.

I'm nice like that.

Wait. Was I just talking about PMS?

So sorry. I do apologize.

Last night, the man came home from work and I was like "I'm so sick. I need you to take care of me." And he was all "Mmm hmm." And I was like "I'm hungry, make me dinner." I mean, after all, I make him dinner every night. And when he's sick I ignore him but at least I take care of his basic needs. And he was all........... He was all nothing. He did nothing. I had to make the kids macaroni for dinner while he watched tv. And then he went and made himself gourmet toast and I was like "HELLO!!! WHAT ABOUT ME? I'M SICK REMEMBER? I HAVE A COLD!!!!!"

And then he was rude to me so I made nachos and watched tv by myself. Which was probably for the best anyway.

And then the whole teenager thing happened and I was thinking to myself: Why is everyone in this house out to get me?

And then I started planning my spa. And developing a plan to raise a billion dollars. So I can ditch this joint for 6 days a month.

And now you are all caught up.

You're welcome.