Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011 wrap up

Everyone seems to be doing a 2011 wrap up post. I don't want to because 2011 and I aren't speaking. I think 2011 is negative attention seeking and I don't feed into that type of behaviour.

Just kidding. Yes I do.

Seriously though, I'm blogging from my broken iPhone because my computer broke. That's how absurd 2011 has been. We have to wait until payday to fix it so.....that's good news.

Who knows how many typos are going to be in this post.

So 2011 was nutso and it flew by. I attempted many goals and accomplished a good chunk of them.

I worked out lots. I quit sugar for a month. I quit Facebook for a month. I was vegetarian for a month. I made rules and didn't follow them for a month. I managed my time poorly for a month. I read the Book of Mormon in a month. I did 30 classes of hot yoga in 30 days. I wrote a book.......which is stuck inside my broken computer, by the way.

I can't think about everything that's on that broken computer, possibly never to be seen again, without hyperventilating so let's just not go there.


Out of the last 12 months my house has been for sale for ten of them. It never sold. We are still reevaluating that one

The upside of that one is that we didn't have to move in 2011. See? I can always find the positive.

4 kids, healthy and strong, is nothing to sneeze at. And a sexy man who always comes home to me tops my list of things to toast tonight.

We are chilling with my brother and his family this New Years Eve.

My house looks like a bomb went off in it and no one cares so on that note.........

Happy New Years everyone. I'll catch you on the flip side.

And ps, please don't drink and drive.


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

stop the madness

Jack, who is 12: My tongue tastes funny.

Me: It's probably scurvy. You should eat a piece of fruit.

Jack: How about an orange pop. Can I have that?

Me: Sure, why not?

If I hadn't almost barfed at hot yoga this morning that conversation may have had different undertones. Or overtones.

I feel less than invigorated and it's because the food at Christmas is so very tasty. The madness needs to stop.

Stop the madness, I say.

Time for a green smoothie and a vitamin. For everyone. And maybe a nap.

Yes, a nap. That sounds delightful. But apparently I made some inane promise to take the children to the mall.

As if I haven't hated on myself enough today. Remember? I went to the hot yoga.

It was almost catastrophic.

Monday, December 26, 2011

the snow angel returns

Why Boxing Day? When did you get here?

We've gone from "2 months til Christmas" to "14 sleeps til Christmas". From "7 more sleeps" to "2 more sleeps". Then we had the big one.

One more sleep.

Amelia was asleep before 7:30. The excitement simply proved too much for her. Holden followed shortly after. Jack went on his own accord when he decided the sooner he went to sleep the sooner he would wake up. I sent Cicely to bed at 9:30.

Santa came and went by 9:45 and then I was in bed reading a book at 10. It was easy. And relaxed and stress free.

Just the way Christmas should be.


But for our family, the loveliest part of this month has been playing with the Snow Angel. On December 12 we started The 12 Days of Christmas for the Snow Angel and his family.

And it was fun.

We did it anonymously, or so we tried. I do detect, however, a level of delusion in myself in thinking we could get away with that for 12 straight days. We didn't want him to know who was leaving little treats on his front step. So we tried to be real covert-like and hid under a cover of darkness.

We have never met the snow angel and it took some time to figure out where he lived last year when I discovered someone was shoveling my walk every time it snowed. One day I saw him pulling out of his garage on his little green and yellow go-go machine. A little while later our next door neighbour confirmed it was him. We meant to take a thank you to him earlier in the spring but never got around to it. This Christmas, and my December goal, made it perfect for us to thank him properly.

We started every gift with a note that read something like this:

Dear Snow Angel,

On the 1st day of Christmas thy true fans gave to thee...

a partridge in a pear tree.

Or rather.....

a copy of our favourite Christmas CD.

Day 2? Was turtle Doves.......

And everyday after that we took a treat with a little note and tried to tie the treat in as best we could to the song. Sometimes it was a stretch, youknowwhatimean? We tried extra hard not to get caught. The boys were in charge of ringing and running, and in their excitement, some banging on the door.

After a few times I was starting to worry we were bothering them. But then I decided that if someone was doing it to me I would love it and so would my kids so we pressed on.

On day 5 they were having a party. We banged extra hard.

On day 12 I sent the boys up with 12 tiny little ice cream drumsticks and a longer note explaining exactly WHY we appreciated them so much and how grateful we were for their service.

I gave the boys the bag and the usual talking to.

"Now don't bang too loud or too long. We don't want to irritate them. And run fast. Don't walk in front of the windows and DO NOT GET CAUGHT! We've made it this far. Don't get caught!"

A few minutes later they were home and we settled into a game of Uno Extreme. Which is really fun, by the way.

Sometime later......

The man: What's that sound? It sounds like the Snow Angel coming.

Me: But, it's not snowing.

We all looked out the front window and, low and behold, Santa was riding a snow plow and stopped right in front of our house.

The kids freaked. I was a little surprised.

Me: Boys! Did you get caught?

The boys: NO! We ran fast down the alley. They wouldn't have seen us.

The door bell rang. We opened it. Santa, his wife and his two teenage children were standing there with huge smiles on their faces.

Santa (otherwise known as the Snow Angel): Merry Christmas!

Mrs.Snow Angel: Are you guys the ones doing the 12 days of Christmas?

Me: Maaaaaaaaybeeeeeeee?!?!

Snow Angel: We loved it. It was best Christmas ever. We loved it. Thank you.

I almost cried. Part of me was so mad we got caught but a bigger part of me was so relieved that they loved it.

Mrs. Snow Angel: We had spies out tonight and they followed your boys home. We needed to know who it was so we could say thank you.

They handed us a box of chocolates and a DVD and the loveliest of Christmas cards in the history of lovely Christmas cards.

We all introduced each other, shook hands, exchanged some niceties and it was over.

So a thank you for a thank you. And so goes the cycle of generosity and gratitude at Christmas time.

We were pleased but I did need to talk it out a bit.

Me: I'm glad they liked it but it was supposed to be anonymous.

Holden: I'm glad they caught us because now we get to eat all this chocolate!

Me: Hmmmmm, the point has been missed, me thinks.

But it hadn't. They got it. They loved it.

And they are already planning next year's escapades.

And me? I'm just hopeful the song "The 12 Days of Christmas" will exit my head and leave me alone for a bit.



Here's what we did:
A partridge in a pear tree. A homemade Christmas CD
2 Turtle Doves. A box of Turtles and a Dove Chocolate bar
3 French Hens. A bag of Chicken Bone Bark. Hens. Chickens. Bones. Get it? Me neither.......
4 Calling birds. They were calling for a dozen of our yummy spiced chocolate chip cookies. They flew away but the cookies stayed.
5 Golden Rings. 5 Honey glazed donuts from Tim Hortons. I was going to make them, but.......
6 Geese-a-laying. Some Cadbury Mini eggs. Yum.
7 Swans-a-swimming. In 2 mugs with Rolo flavored hot chocolate and some chocolate stirring spoons.
8 Maids-a-milking. Egg Nog.
9 Ladies dancing. I cut out 9 paper dolls and Amelia decorated them. We glued them to 9 French Vanilla candy canes and laid them on a Christmas platter.
10 Lords-a-leaping. They leapt right over some Maple Pecan Chocolate Butter tarts. They were goooooood.
11 Pipers Piping. Or Poppers Popping. 2 bags of microwave popcorn with BBQ Chicken Wings flavoured Popcorn salt.
12 Drummers Drumming. 12 mini ice cream drumsticks.

Good times.

Friday, December 23, 2011

makin' a list

Christmas presents bought. Check.

Christmas presents wrapped. Check.

All groceries bought until the new year. Check.

Baking done. Check and still checking.

Parents here for the the holidays. Check.

Insanely organized. Check.

Tired and not sleeping well. Check.

12 days of Christmas done for the snow angel. After dinner tonight we can check that one off. It's been amazing. More about that later.

Well, people, once again Christmas is almost here. 2 more sleeps! I know a certain 5 year old who is beside herself with excitement. It's going to be a crazy few days so I guess I'll see you on the flip side.

Merry Christmas everyone!! Have a fantastically wonderful holiday and be safe be safe be safe!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

my brain on christmas

Santa uses empty chicken boxes to wrap gifts in, right? Elves eat lots of chicken, it's how they keep their energy up. I swear I read that somewhere.

I am up to my eyeballs in it, people.

My eyeballs. Up to them. With Christmas.

Where is the time going?

I spent $700 at Superstore today and if I hadn't done yoga the last two days in a row I would have committed myself.

That is a surety.

Here's a question. Unsure is a word. And surety is a word. So how come unsurety is not a word?

I can't decide if I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day or I Saw Three Ships is my favourite Christmas carol. What's yours?

Have you ever seen the movie Elf? Does this post remind you of the part where Buddy meets Michael at his school? Yeah, me too.

I love that movie.

Monday, December 19, 2011


My dearest, sweetest, most affable husband,

I just wanted to let you know how astonishing I think you are. How bewildered by your talents I am on a daily basis. How much I respect you for all your hard work and dedication to this family. Tis the season to let loved ones know how much we love them. To show our appreciation for them. What better place to announce my adulation and express my devotion to you than my blog? Where millions and millions and tens of people come for daily enlightenment.

So here I sit, thinking only of you. Wondering where your thoughts are this sunny, wintery day. It's 6 days until Christmas and our children, our jewels, are beside themselves with excitement and glee.

Cicely has finally announced what she wants for Christmas. Money. Isn't she helpful?

Jack is dying to finally get his birthday present. Never mind that his birthday was 3 months ago and I talked him into waiting until Christmas to get it. That kid is gullible, isn't he?

Holden is just hanging on by a thread. The anticipation may kill him yet. Or me. It's still undecided.

Amelia has finally laid down a mountain of regret. See, she forgot to ask Santa for a Lalaloopsy doll in her letter this year. It has burdened her tremendously, for she wants one more than words can express. She asked me to send the big guy an email and let him know there was an amendment to the letter. Watching a 5 year old live with this level of stress is difficult. A burden I have borne, willingly, for over a month.

But then, all was right with her world again when you waited so patiently with her at the ward Christmas party on Saturday so she could see Santa and tell him herself of her grievous error.

You are a good father. You may have saved the day. Or season. Or moment. Or whatever it is you are experiencing when you are 5.

However, I wanted to let you know something, in the gentlest way possible. Or remind you. Or point out. Or whatever might be the least offensive to you. When you are working hard, everyday, and cursing my station in life. When it is cold outside and your toes are frozen and aching to the point where you long for death. When you come home to find that we are eating ichiban and grilled cheese, again. When you run out of clean socks (which rarely happens since you have 263 pairs of them). When you find out I have watched an entire season of Friday Night Lights in one day whilst you were working. When you close your eyes tight and repeat three times "I wish I was her. I wish I was her. I wish I was her," only to open them and find yourself still at work and not at home, in your jammies, bons bons in one hand and a pepsi in the other.

I want you to remember one thing and one thing only.

I do all the Christmas shopping.

Every year.

All of it.

And because of my existence you are spared this particular nightmare.

It is my hope and dream for you that having this singular, most imperative nugget of information will make your days flow smoothly and without too much perturbation at what may appear to be a gross diverseness of our situations.

And remember, always, that I love you.

And sacrifice much for your happiness.

Yours always and forever,

P.S. I bought my Christmas present from you today despite the fact that we have an unwritten rule not to exchange gifts.

I'm sorry and......
you're welcome.


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

on this night, this merry christmas night.

The 12 days of Christmas for our snow angel is going swimmingly. We almost got caught last night leaving the Turtle Doves outside their house. Amelia screams with glee as the boys ring the doorbell and run for their lives.

Good times.

We can't get enough of these guys around here. Children and Christmas go together like Diet Pepsi and popcorn.

11 days. No Christmas shopping done. Could be a problem.

Off to find three french hens now........

Monday, December 12, 2011

and so goes the cycle. part 2

Remember this?

Well.....since then lots has happened in relation to my beloved iPhone. My iPhone has lived the quite the exciting life. It has taken the most amazing adventures. All of them dangerous and possibly fatal. My iPhone is an adrenaline seeker and it takes chances with it's life that I would never take with my own.

Some people are like that.

Hmm? What was that? What did you say?

My iPhone is not a person? Oh mercy, I dare you to tell it that. It's smart like a person. And it can do things other persons can not do. Like google stuff. Can you google stuff? Not without google you can't.

My iPhone has google and you don't. So there.

It also has Angry Birds and can tell me what movie is playing where and what time at the drop of a hat.

Can you do that? That's what I thought.

So let's recap. The man fixed the screen but my phone was still wonky. The home button didn't work all the time until Jack dropped it on the floor. I yelled at him. But then it worked perfectly. So I apologized. And, I was in love all over again. My phone worked and everything in my little iPhone world was all hunky dory. But.....then...... I noticed the sounds didn't work.

No sound. Whatsoever.

Who cares. If someone calls they can leave a message and I'll call them back. If someone texts then I'll see it eventually.

I can live without sound. On my iPhone.

Then Amelia dropped it on the floor and the phone didn't work at all. People would call. I would say "hello? Hello? Hello?" And they would say "hello? Hello? Hello?" It was like we were talking but not really because we couldn't hear each other.

So the phone part of the iPhone doesn't work. That's really not a big it?

This morning I dropped it. Face down. The screen shattered. A big chunk fell out, exposing what looks to be very delicate features indeed.

It still works so I texted the man.

Me: I just dropped my phone and totally shattered the screen. If I wasn't irritating to you enough already, I certainly am now.

To which he responded: Thanks for the update.

To which I responded: I sense emotion that might not be totally love related.

To which he didn't respond.

See, he's been less than enthralled with me as of late. Don't know why. I think it has more to do with his abrasive personality than anything but try and tell him that?? Woooweeee........have mercy on my soul.

Want to know what I was doing right before I dropped my phone butter side down? I was taking this picture.

This is my clearance letter so I can donate blood. The nurse said it would take months so I shouldn't hold my breath. It took one month, which is opposite of how the world is supposed to work so not only am I confused but now my iPhone is broken. Again.

I booked an appointment for me and the man to donate blood in January. Maybe by then he'll like me again. And maybe also, I'll have the new iPhone.

With an armor on it that will be indestructible to the all the forces of good and evil that will inevitably try to destroy it.

Namely me.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

black wednesday

I am eating frozen cookies out of the freezer. I blame Black Wednesday.

Have you ever had a cookie right out of the freezer? Homemade?

It's not fair that anything frozen should taste that good.

Yesterday. December 7th, 2011. Black Wednesday.

Amelia lost her first tooth.

I don't want to talk about it. She did though. She talked about it endlessly. I thought I was going to get a call from her teacher asking that I either come and take her jabbering mouth away or bring a muzzle so people could get their work done. She was so happy. So it's all good, I guess.

Also, yesterday, I had a couple of run in's online with a guy in my city who drives me bananas. He's a radio guy, which I think in man language might be code for God's gift to everything that is all things and beyond.

Have an opinion dude, that's totally cool but don't be an ass about it. It can be done. I promise.

Also, what you think is not what everyone thinks and that is fine. It's the contrast of opinions that make the world rotate in such a balanced way. But when you are rude and disrespectful to other's and their opinions then you are something less than...... nice. Shall we say?

And also, also, just because you CAN be jerk doesn't mean you SHOULD be a jerk. Youknowwhatimean?

He blocked me from Twitter. Cause he's like that.

It's probably for the best. Now I can live the remainder of my days less irritated by his cowardice. And jerkiness.

And also, again, also, yesterday, Black Wednesday, I lost two followers on this here bloggie. Why does this irk me so? I don't have that many to begin with so losing two in ONE DAY is like........


I'm more like a duck than not like a duck. Things just roll off my back no problemo. It's what allows me to blog without too much emotion invested. You know? I really don't care what people think about me.


But this blogging thing hits a different chord and every blogger knows what I'm talking about. It's different and I'm not going to get into all the things that make that statement true for me.

It just makes me look lame.

Which I might be. Keep it to yourself.

But two in one day? Ouch. Maybe I talk about poo too much. Some people don't like poo.

I guess.

Fare thee well followers. I loved you as best I could. And to the rest of you who come back day after day in support of poo and other sundries.......

I thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Tomorrow is Fondue Friday. Yes it is.

**Addendum: I would like to clarify something so not all radio personalities think I have a biased, prejudiced opinion towards them. I do not think ALL radio personalities are rude, arrogant, cocky, over opinionated people. I only think the rude, arrogant, cocky over opinionated ones are.

I hope that clears things up.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

hello, my name is 'not me'.

There's a rogue hooligan that lives in my house. He's stealthy and fantastical. He confuses the masses and creates contention. He is masterful at his art. He lives to confound. His purpose is clear. Destroy destroy destroy.

His name is NotMe. He does, however, have many an alias which only aid him in the perfection of his evil craft.


A.K.A. IDidn'tDoIt.

A.K.A. IDon'tKnow

A.K.A. ItWasn'tMe

But the best one of all is 'IThinkItWasSoAndSo'. The name he uses whereby confusing the questioner into looking at someone other than him for blame. It is his coldest, most calculated name of all.

Me: Who left the bread out?

The Kids: NotMe.

Me: Blast that NotMe!

Me: Who left the milk on the table to go sour?

The Kids: IDidn'tDoIt.

Me: Blast that IDidn'tDoIt!

Me: Who farted?

The Kids: IDon'tKnow.

Me: Well tell him to stop before I gag!

Me: Who made this big mess and just left it for me to clean up?

NotMe: IThinkItWasHolden.

Holden: IDidn'tDoIt.

NotMe: Then IThinkItWasJack.

Jack: ItWasn'tMe.

Me: Then WHO DID IT?

The Kids: NotMe

Me: Why I oughtta.........

Me: How many times do I have to tell you guys to stop leaving poop in the toilet. Just flush the bloody thing. (I flush the bloody thing) See? How hard was that? (I stare everyone of them in the eye knowing that, if I try hard enough, my super sensory detective skills will unveil unto me the culprit.)

One by one they chant: ItWasn'tMe. ItWasn'tMe. ItWasn'tMe. ItWasn'tMe.

Me: Well then, who was it?

Them: IDon'tKnow. IDon'tKnow. IDon'tKnow. IDon'tKnow.

Me: I think you do know.

Them: NotMe. NotMe. NotMe. NotMe.

Me: (hands on hips. Stare is strong. Never. Back. Down.)

The Kids: IDidn'tDoIt. ItWasn'tMe. IDon'tKnow. NotMe.

Me: (hushed violent whisper meant to instill fear to their very cores) When I find this 'NotMe'....this 'IDidn'tDoIt'......this 'ItWasn'tMe'.....this 'IDon'tKnow'...... I'm going to bring him before you and make an example out of him. It won't be pretty. You won't like it. You may even cry. So if I was you, and I saw him lurking about in the shadows, I would tell that cowardly no good punk, who loves to wreak havoc amongst you little people of my womb, that he should head for the hills. Do you hear me? I will find him.

I will.

And he will rue the day he came here and took me on. And pooped without flushing. (My voice getting louder, aiming for the general air around me, meant for 'NotMe' to hear, wherever he may be.) Do you hear me? NotMe. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you. That was a threat. Come on out!

Mmm hmmm. That's what I thought.


(I walk away leaving my spawn to their thoughts)

The Kids to each other: It was you, wasn't it?
Then who did?
Was it you?
Well, It Wasn't Me.
Was it you?
Nope, NotMe......

Fade out.

Monday, December 5, 2011

TLC's all time low

This morning, on the way to school, I asked my kids what I should blog about today. Three of the four of them said The Virgin Diaries. The fourth said "me". I'll let you guess which of the four that was.

Me: The Virgin Diaries?

One of them: Yeah, you talked about it enough today.

Me: Well, honestly, you should have seen it. Well, no you shouldn't've, but I could tell you about the kissing at the end.

All of them: NO mom!!!!

Me: It was unreal. I feel like my eyeballs have been scorched. They were burning when I went to bed. I couldn't get to sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about the girl's father. He was a total pervert and said really inappropriate things.

Cicely: This conversation is inappropriate.

Me: It was horrific. I mean, what was she thinking? It was like she was eating his face.

Brief demonstration given by me. Appreciated by all.

Okay, not really.

Jack: Geez mom, you're grossing me out. Why do you watch that stuff? (he shuddered in his seat. Maybe I should have been an actress)

Me: Because if I don't keep up on the garbage they show on TLC I won't have anything to tell you Monday mornings. And Twitter would confuse me to death.

Cicely gave me a look that suggested I knock it off at that very moment or she may jump from a moving vehicle.

We wouldn't want that.

Amelia started to sing Jingle Bells and we drove in silence.

Me: You really should have seen it. I mean, who kisses like that? Isn't it supposed to be a natural thing? Do some people naturally have the urge to eat your face when they are kissing you? I feel trauma, people. Trauma.

It was at this point I noticed I was alone in the vehicle.

Me: Hey, where did everyone go? I wasn't done talking about my trauma.

Fickle. That's what they are. A bunch of fickle kids with no consideration for my poor nerves.


We set up the tree yesterday. I put black ornaments on it to match my house. It didn't have the BANG I was looking for. It's hard to get a good picture of it.

Jack said it was EMO. Ummmm, okay?

Amelia put the star on top and asked "Does the star bring the Christmas tree joy? "

She's about to lose her first tooth and the devastation is hovering around me like a vulture looking for a place to land and devour the scraps of cute. How will I survive it? The end of cute is near.

Can you feel it?

Thursday, December 1, 2011

the snow angel

There is a man who lives about 3 blocks away from me. He isn't an old man but he's a retired man. He is the type of man that has his youth, some money and lots and lots of time to kill. He has a beautiful home with lots of garages and in those garages he has toys. Toys that look like trucks and fancy cars and a cute little green and yellow snow plow.

When it snows he hops on his little green and yellow go-go machine and plows the snow on the sidewalk in front of his house. But he doesn't stop there. Oh no, not him, he keeps going and does the loop around the whole neighbourhood. He just motors on, around and around and around until the snow stops. And then he does one last loop, I assume for good measure.

In all my amazing good fortune, my house happens to be on that loop.

He shovels my walk. Now this doesn't affect me so much because I don't do shoveling. I am of the opinion some chores are for men and so I allow the man the opportunity to serve us by working full time AND shoveling our walk. I am gracious like that. It's just who I am, I can't help it.

But.....because the snow angel is who he is the man doesn't have to shovel either and when the man's job gets easier, my job gets easier and that is a win-win. Plus, it allows us more free time to feel the love.

And we choose to love the snow angel.

My last goal for 2011, can you believe a whole year has gone by since I started this little goaling journey? will be to have me and my family perform little acts of kindness for the snow angel and his family. I thought it would be fun to get everyone involved since it's Christmas an' all. Why not have all of us feel the cheery-like feelings that come when one is doing something nice and fun for someone else.

We are calling it 'the 12 days before christmas' because that's what it's called. For the 12 days before christmas we will be dropping off, anonymously of course, something sweet to eat with little notes of our appreciation for this family. Maybe they will have a Dr.Suess vibe to them since I have mad skills in that department. We will be ringing doorbells and running for our lives and laughing all the way. Ho ho ho.

I haven't quite figured it out yet but when I do I'll be sure to share. If you have ever done this before and have any good ideas pleasepleaseplease feel free to leave me a comment and tell me what it is. Or email me. Or facebook me. Or whatever.

It's going to be a fun month filled with baking goodies, lots of giggles and some seriously good times. A great way to end a great year.