Wednesday, October 5, 2011

the inner monologue of a hot yoga virgin

A hot yoga virgin walks into a room. 'Hot' as in the yoga will done somewhere hot. Not 'hot' as in the virgin was hot. Good looking hot, I mean. Because heat hot she certainly was.


Never mind.

As she works through her first class, this is what's going through her mind. It's a 90 minute class. And the girl was a virgin. A yoga virgin. Well, sort of., it's hot in here.

......why is everyone breathing like that? Oh, breathing is a big part of yoga. Right, I knew that. long are we going to sit like this and breathe?

.....everything is so slow here. Don't they know my attention span borders on that of a 4 year old with ADD?

...breathe? I AM BREATHING.

.....breathe slow and steady? Find yourself? I'M RIGHT HERE. Okay, I get it. This is supposed to be all zen and stuff. Super earthy and I need to throw myself out there into the universe and smile without smiling and open myself up and let myself go and leave everything behind that isn't serving me and all that jazz.

.....I'm glad they aren't playing jazz over the speakers. I hate jazz. That would not be relaxing at all., it is so hot in here. I am sweating like a maniac.

....the lighting in here is sweet. I like it a lot. I think my eyes are supposed to be closed.

......what? wrap my arms how? Right over left, twist, join fingers. Leg up and over and hook and huh?? Twist my insides like a wet rag? That sounds hard, not gentle and yoga-like., no way. How about just right over left? Okay, she hasn't kicked me out yet., my balance sucks.

......oh mercy, it's soooooo hot in here.

...... Vinyasa. Vinyasa? Am I supposed to know what that means? She talks so fast. Slow down lady.

......plank. Oh, that's hard. Lower plank? Oh, that's even harder. Upward facing dog, easy peasey. Downward facing dog. Hey, I've done this before. wrists are killing me.

.....they are still killing me.

......still. killing. me. it all again? 5 more times? I'm gonna die. Inhale plank. Exhale lower plank. Inhale upward facing dog. Exhale downward facing dog. Again????


......I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.

....holy mother of heat! Why is it so blazing hot in here?!?!

.....good thing the girl next to me appears to be a yoga master. I can't understand anything the instructor is saying. do these people bend like that?

....reach where? Touch what? Hold? Owwwwwwww

.........this has to be almost done. I can't take much more. I wonder how long before I squeal like a stuck pig.

.......what's with the guy in the corner? He hasn't left corpse pose in like half an hour. Maybe we are supposed to go into that pose right before we die. Someone should check him for a pulse.

.......I don't wanna die.

........oh no, not that thing again. Yep, Vinyasa. She hates me.

.......the heat. This room. It's so hot in here. I'm soaked in sweat. Sweat just dripped off my ankle. That's never happened before. My shirt weighs 4 pounds more than it did when I got here.

.......lie down? Corpse pose? Does this mean we die now? still. Close my eyes. Restore. I can do this.

......someone just put a cool lemongrass cloth in my hand. I put it on my eyes and forehead. This is the best sensation I have ever had. I am thankful to have it right before I die.

........breathe. Rest. Sweat.

......roll over. Open eyes. I am not dead. This means only one thing.

I have to come back tomorrow.



  1. I've only done it a couple of times but my hands were always so sweaty that I was slipping off of the mat! I wonder how you will feel about it at the end of the month!

  2. Awesome! Sounds similar to my first experience along with

    -don't throw up in front of everyone
    -I will never eat a hot dog before yoga again

    Of course I just breathed my way through it and watch what I eat prior. This was an ashtanga flow class. After you're done bikram try's good or those of us with ADD.

  3. This is hilarious! It makes me want to see if it's really that bad, but then I read it again and I think why would I want to do that? Good luck this month!