Sunday, August 7, 2011

things i learned this weekend

I should be at church but I'm not. Well, I was at church, but now I'm home because well....... because I have some issues that needed to be dealt with.

Things I learned at church today:

-severe cramps, many Advil Liquigels and an empty stomach leave one shaking, sort of blind, feverish and incoherent. And by feverish I mean sweating profusely even in the A/C.

-this knowledge may or may not be the reason I am sitting here all alone babbling incoherently at the computer.

Am I even making sense? I simply don't know.

Another thing I learned this weekend:

I bought TurboFire on Kijiji for $65. I forgot to ask why it was being sold so cheap. I was just so proud of my shrewd finding skills. It came in the mail 2 days later. Still sealed. It appeared to have all the things the website said it would have. I took the manuals out of the box and threw them to the side. I work out. I don't need any info other than 'insert disc, press play and work your body'. I just wanted to try it. After the first workout I sat down and started to read the info. I opened up the little book that had all 15 DVD's in it and this is what I saw:

"Over the next few months. you're gonna be working out front row center with the best group exercise trainer in the world, Chslene Johnson. The music is your motivaation to move faster, kick your legs higher, and punb those fists harder so you sweat like never before."

".......Chalene teaches you the chonreography....."

"Can't get enouge of the burn?"

I could go on, but why? It has become glaringly obvious that a 4 year old typed this. The manuals are just as bad. Legible, but barely.

So, I think I have the prototype? Or something? I don't know what it is but what I do know is that the DVD's are correct and if they aren't then I have the version that Chinese Prisons use to torture their inmates.

Things I learned from TurboFire:

-TurboFire felt a lot like Chinese torture.

-Chalene, or is it Chslene, said I would suck wind and I sucked enough wind to power a small town.

-I learned that as incoherent as the paper info is, it should be read, in it's entirety before one starts.

-I wanted to do a quick one but not read anything yet so I picked the 30 Hiit. (I thought this was another typo but found out it isn't)

-the 30 Hiit is the hardest one. I think. I'll let you know if I find a harder one.

-I worked it, it was only 30 minutes long. I almost puked. The disclaimer said to stop if you feel nauseous or dizzy. Disclaimers are for wimps.

-I peed my pants a lot due to the insane amount of jumping around involved.

-there is no sports bra on the planet equipped to deal with me.

-I did the workout yesterday. By bedtime I was feeling the soreness. Today I can't walk. And it seriously hurts to sit to pee.

And this is what I learned from TurboFire.

Tomorrow we get all serious about it and follow the class schedule. Or....I mean the clsas schduule.

So between the fiery muscle pain from exercise and the inferno scorching my uterus and the slight advil overdose I am feeling a little off my game.


If this post is incoherent in any way and/or full of typos I blame the 4 year old I hired to type it out. And maybe the last two advil.......

What was that? Did you just see a purple bird fly through here?

1 comment:

  1. OMG! I peed my pants just reading this. You are hilarious...the Advil??? I think I need this workout.