Wednesday, August 3, 2011

9 life lessons of the utmost importance

Today I wanted to teach you some very important things. Life lessons, if you will. Things that will help you get by in this confusing topsy turvy world.

1. Don't listen when people try to talk you into buying a house to renovate that seems perfect and right. Ignore them when they tell you the location will never be a problem because the house is so perfect. And punch them in the throat when they say "the house will sell itself." Just walk away. After the throat punch.


2. Do not send emails to people who make you mad whilst you are pms-ing. When you make a no 'emailing whilst pms-ing' rule, which I made for myself several years ago, follow it.


Poor poor stupid *Enid from the insurance company. I'll bet she didn't even know what hit her when she opened up that puppy.

3. When the man tells you he is 'almost' done his current work project and you ask what 'almost' means and he says another week, allow then for another month to pass before you ask again when he might get paid. And do it nicely.


4. Stand back from the oven after you've opend it for just a sec. Just a teensy sec so as to not melt your mascara. Again.


5. When you wake up in the morning and are already feeling lazy and slovenly, bra yourself anyway, despite your innermost rebellious desires. Because if you do not, without a doubt, someone will come to the door and it will be the kind of someone whom you do not want seeing your taataa's hanging down to your knees.


6. When you announce "beach day" to your progeny and the oldest of said progeny (who hides in her room all day reading like a reading type of vampire) gives you her most exquisite vampire stare-down expression and hisses the words "I'm not going" you say nothing about the sweats she chooses to wear to the beach when you, as the pms-ing ultra vampire mother, get your way.


Let her melt. Or burn up and turn to ash or do whatever it is vampires do.

7. When you are watching Locked Up Abroad on the National Geographic channel with a child, or two, instead of sitting with your mouth hanging open in utter amazement that people are actually that stupid, use it as a teaching experience and let your children know that if they ever get thrown in jail for drug trafficking in Brazil or Venezuela or anywhere else, for that matter, you are not coming to bail their sorry butts out. Drugs are bad both inside and taped to the outside of your body.


8. Bananas and Diet Pepsi do not go together. At all. Ever. Despite the decade and a half I have devoted to the hope that this basic fact will change, diet Pepsi and bananas are sworn enemies and there is no amount of convincing them otherwise. Sorry banana, but if you are going to make me choose........

Well. We all know how that's going to go. Don't we?


9. Multi-vitamins make your pee fluorescent. Happens to everyone, you're not alone nor are you going to die. Why don't we talk about this more in our homes, during family meetings and stuff, so it doesn't have to be a conversation one hears being mumbled behind them in the line at Superstore? It'll be all right terror-stricken, over dramatic, cancerous, fluorescent pee lady, trust me, it'll be all right.


So there you have it. Nine valuable lessons that will help you cope in life just a wee bit easier.

And....... you're welcome.

*Some names have been changed to protect the stupid. And ignorant.

Feel free to share your own life lessons since this blog is all about helping others.


  1. It's official, you're my favorite blogger! I'm in stitches laughing right now. You are so right about everything! Please bring back these life lessons in installments, inevitably you will have more to share. I just know it.

  2. From my life:
    When your kid's are running crazy in a furniture store and you notice the emergency exit door and think, 'hey, that's an emergency exit.' Always Always ALWAYS tell your maniac 4-year-old not to touch it upon threat of death, instead of shrugging and thinking, 'they probably won't touch it.'
    When the toddler has crawled up the stairs and and is suddenly VERY quiet and you think, 'why is it quiet? Should I check?' Check it. Otherwise you end up with a bag of hamburger buns with a fistful of bun pulled out of each one. Not to mention a giant crumbly mess at the front door, right before the missionaries arrive for dinner and you've already done your dutiful cleaning for the missionaries.

  3. I NEVER remember the oven thing. Blasts me every time!

    Your vampire makes me laugh, so glad you included a picture for proof!

    My lesson:
    When you're having a bad day, EVERYTHING will go wrong. Just expect it and stop acting like it's a surprise when it does. You WILL stub your toe. Your potty trained daughter WILL pee herself in public. Your baby WILL barf all over herself when you have not one thing to clean her up with it. Just get over it.

  4. You are right, as always.

  5. I've said it before, I don't know why I don't come here every day. There must be something wrong with me.

    And in case you didn't know, that oven-mascara thing is totally on my hate list:

  6. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for this. Especailly the Diet Pepsi and banana thing. That could have ended badly.

  7. Your daughter cracked me up! Seriously, if I lived near a beach, I'd want to go all the time! I can't believe she didn't want to come and then wore sweats, haha! Well, at least you went.