Sunday, February 6, 2011

the skinny part 1

It's been a tough week. Sleep has not been my friend. I was struggling just to get by never mind workout. 3-5 hours a night since last Monday night. What is up with that anyway? I am hurting today. In a big sugar free sleepless kind of way. You know when you are sleep deprived and the world spins, or maybe you spin, and things don't seem real? Yeah.

I did my token three runs this week and I also did a pilates workout. I didn't do the yoga I swore I would do but that was because I couldn't find my yoga DVD's. They must still be packed somewhere. I'll have to get some from the library. Anyway.....

I did a measly 11.05 miles this week of running/walking. Not great but better than nothing which is what I would have done if I had let excuses decide my workouts.

Speaking of packing. (Were we speaking of that?) We are listing our house this week. With all of it's flaws, it's going on the market. Really, I just don't care anymore. I want to move on and get my sleep back. I wonder where my sleep is. What if I make the wrong choice in buying my next house? What if I end up in the wrong community, or worse, city, and my sleep is waiting for me somewhere else? I may never sleep again. I think this is why we move so much. The pressure of finding my forever home is too much. So I move a lot. There is less commitment with this. Maybe I don't like commitment. I just don't know anymore.

So, I wanted to talk, briefly, about one of the things I am trying to change, this year, in my broken mind. It's accepting who I am now and what I look like now.

For years I have been waiting. Waiting until I get skinny to buy new clothes. Waiting to lose the weight, again, before I get a really nice swimsuit. Waiting until I like what I look like before I get a really nice family photo done. (I know it's been a long time since we've had the nice family photo because my mother in law reminds me every time I see her.)

I can't wait anymore, it isn't right for my head. If I wait then that says I am not accepting who I am now. While I change my brain, which is going to take a long time, I must accept that this is what I look like now.

In an effort to do this I went to the mall and bought a pair of jeans that fit. Actually, I bought them a bit big because I thought it might be nice to have my clothes feel big as opposed to me feeling squished inside them. Turns out I bought them too big because I don't even have to undo them to get them on and off.

The size on the tag is the biggest number I have ever been. But since the jeans are too big, I know that that mongo number isn't actually my size so I guess I should have said that the size on the tag is the biggest number I have ever owned in a pair of jeans. Since my rational brain told me that that number isn't flashing in neon on my forehead when I wear them, it doesn't matter what the number is. I will be comfortable in these jeans and they will serve me well as I change my life.

So in an effort to keep this post to a reasonable number count I will be done now.

But I know you want to know. Did I eat the sugar this week? No, I did not. Six Days sugar free. I even took Crave cupcakes to my sister's birthday dinner and didn't have one. That's how freakin' serious I am.

And...... sugar free cookies just aren't the same but will do in a pinch. And...... baklava is sweetened with honey and not sugar so I had some of that. It was so sweet my throat ached. This is all very important to know. Okay, no it's not.

I am jonesin' for a Dark Angel, though…….or a brownie.......or some ice cream. Man, I love ice cream. And brownies. And dark angels........


  1. I can still find things I don't like about my body which is CRAZY especially knowing where I've come from. How can a woman who has lost over 200 lbs have FAT days. I think all of our minds are programmed that way. We look for flaws in ourselves and don't look for all of the incredible things we do everyday. Of course we need to keep our bodies healthy but I don't think we will ever reach the perfection we think is out there. We really have to be happy with what we have otherwise life will pass us by and we will have missed out on everything. 11 miles is great. Try for 12 next week!

  2. You touched Crave cupcakes and didn't eat one?? Wow, I am mean business!

    Good for you for working out despite being dizzy tired. I hear ya...I am so tired I feel sick.

  3. You are doing great! After the first week, the sugar cravings get more faint, at least for me.

    I don't envy you in the whole moving endeavor. Best wishes with that!

    Sugar-free February was going great for me until last night...I admit I had a swallow of my husband's sugary drink & today I had three swallows of my daughter's nasty milkshake. What a waste! I should have had chocolate instead! I am renewing my resolve...these cravings have got to go!