Wednesday, August 18, 2010

the code

I'm learning a new language. Maybe it's not so much a language as it is a code. It isn't very interesting and it certainly isn't useful. I'd rather be learning Spanish or Italian but I am stuck trying to decipher the code. If I don't, I will lose my mind.

It is a code spoken by tradesmen. These guys didn't go to school to learn this code so they must have just picked it up off the street. It's tricky and it's designed solely to throw you off their track. I've learned some of it pretty well over the last few months and I am going to pass on what I know because I'm helpful like that. Here we go:

"THEY will start 9:30 Wednesday morning and it will only take THEM one day to get it done" is code for "HE will come two hours late, HE won't bring enough carpet and HE will be rude to you and your children while HE works at a turtles pace."

"I will come Tuesday and sand the walls for you BEFORE the carpet guy comes and then I will come early early Wednesday morning and finish up so that there will be no sanding after the carpet goes in" is code for "I'm not coming at all and you will just have to deal with drywall dust all over your carpet. And you will probably have to do all the sanding yourself so that you can get it done before you move in and because since you have already paid me you are no longer a priority for me."

"I'm really really sorry I wrecked the drywall as I pulled all my tape off the walls. I told the tape to stop doing that but it didn't listen" is actually code for "I'm a moron and I suck at my job and I give the same excuses a three year old would give because I have the mentality of a three year old."

"I'll come this week and put your kitchen together for you" is code for "I'll come and put your kitchen together for you when I feel like it and it for sure won't be this week". He is instantly forgiven because he is a friend and we love him but he speaks the code fluently.

"We'll start Monday/Tuesday" is code for "We'll start late Friday afternoon and no, we don't work weekends."

"I have you scheduled for Wednesday" is code for "You won't be able to get a hold of me for a month and I'll only finally do 96% of the work when you threaten to give the job to my assistant for a fraction of the cost."

"The quote is for this amount of money" is code for "When I give you the final bill your eyes will pop out of your head and you'll want to kill me but you'll pay me all the money I didn't tell you I was going to charge you because you are good people who believe in paying your trades."

The more I think about this the more I could teach you but I am thinking I should charge for this kind of information.

"If I never have to deal with another tradesman for as long as I live then I will die a happy lady" is code for "If I never have to deal with another tradesman for as long as I live then I will die a happy lady". I clearly don't understand the code.......

I am married to a tradesman which makes this all the more interesting..... don't you think? I just double everything he says and plan for that. It makes marital bliss more attainable. One day is two. One week is two. You get the idea.

Imagine, if you will, a land where only tradesmen live. What a confusing place that would be......... or would it??


  1. This post made me laugh...but in a pained way. I would never laugh for real because we all know what karma thinks about that.

  2. Oh yeah, I learned that code too. Thankfully my best friend works for a builder and so she passed on all her best trades to me. We only had issues with one of these guys but he was FLUENT in this code!!

  3. Brett has a code too. It's solely time related and he only speaks it to me. I've learned to double the time he estimates things will take. One hour becomes two and six months actually means a year. If no specific time is given I know that the event in question is not likely EVER going to happen.
    If I was you, I would just start punching people. Or I would steal their tools. Or both.

  4. I like the 'steal their tools' idea - you would quickly become first priority!