Sunday, August 8, 2010

catherine hears bell's

Today is Sunday and I stayed home from church, all by myself, sitting in the quiet, wondering what to do with these three hours. I have decided to write a story. This story is about a beautiful princess in a land not so far away and what a day in her life looks like......

Once upon a time there was a princess who had to clean the house. On Friday she cleaned the house in preparation for an open house that was scheduled for Saturday. So she cleaned. Just like she did Thursday and Wednesday and Tuesday and Monday. Why would a princess have to clean her own house? And with such a pounding headache?? She pondered these questions many times throughout the week. Maybe it's because she wants the people of her kingdom to know that she's just a real person who can relate to the people.

Friday night was party night. She had a clean house so why not have some princesses over to eat chocolaty peanut butter flavored delights? She took a shower and got ready. As she was putting her makeup on she noticed that her right eye was not closing as well as it normally does. Hmmm, that's weird. Moving on. Through out the evening she noticed that her teeth were feeling cleaner and cleaner as she ran her tongue over them and that her beverage of choice just wasn't tasting as glorious as it usually did. She thought nothing of it really until she went to bed and washed her face and noticed that her eye wasn't shutting properly again. She had to manually shut her eye so she could sleep. She was hopeful that it would sort itself out during the night.

The next morning the princess awoke and knew something was wrong, possibly dreadfully wrong. Her head was pounding in three distinct areas and only on the right side of her head. She couldn't raise her eyebrow, or close her right eye. When she smiled only one side smiled. It seemed half her face was broken, the right half. Her tongue was numb. For a bit she thought it was humorous, she would take a drink of water and the little peasant children in the kingdom would laugh and laugh as water shot out the right side of her mouth. Then she would remember the pounding in her head that was actually the cause of all her concern.

The king sent her to the royal doctor who turned out not to care much for the princess' wants and desires and made her wait three hours in the waiting room with all the other sick peasant people. He was old and that it left no guessing as to what could have possibly been taking so long on this sleepy Saturday morning.

He was convinced that she was too young for Bell's Palsy. And, since the smashing headache was not a symptom there must be something horrible about to happen in the head of this young beautiful Princess. He told her to go to the ER right away. He wrote her a note saying he didn't want her to have to wait for treatment since she was, after all, a princess.

The king drove her to the hospital and the children waved good bye to their fearless leader as she disappeared behind sliding doors. She went to triage and gave them the note. They sent her to admitting who sent her to the Minor Injuries ER around the corner where she stumbled upon many peasant people waiting in their own sickness and despair to be seen by a doctor. The princess handed her form to a nurse with the note on top and then proceeded to wait for three hours in the waiting room. Just like everyone else. This poor princess was mistaken for a peasant person but she didn't mind. The people of the land like it when royalty stoops to their level and pretends to be like everyone else. It was an opportunity and she took it. She was baffled, however, by the mostly naked man in a backwards hospital gown who wandered through 6 times during her wait to check if the pay phone had any change in it. She wanted to tell him each time she saw him that no one has used the pay phone in the last 5 years nevermind the last 5 minutes. She saw, from his attire, that it most likely would make no difference to him to have this information.

Finally, a bed, a gown and an IV that would make the dudes from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre look like facial reconstruction artists. An exam was had that made the doctor stand back and say, "Hmmmm, I just don't get it. Bell's Palsy is not accompanied by such a terrible headache. And you clearly have Bell's Palsy so what is this headache? I don't like it. I'm calling neuro, you're having a CT scan and an ECG and I'm treating you for a migraine to see if anything changes. Do you have any questions?" The princess answered "Yes, one. When does Dr. McDreamy get here?"

ECG done. Where's the relevance? She couldn't say.

CT scan done. First one ever and kind of cool.

With the migraine medicine flowing through her veins via her hack IV she waited. She tried to read but alas, with the headache and the blurred vision and the tearing eyes........ it wasn't to be.

For what seemed like an eternity she waited for the throbbing to dissipate, but it wouldn't. It's not a migraine she thought to herself, it's an aneurysm. She was convinced, again, that she would die like a martyr on that hospital bed, alone and in pain. Whatever, martyrs are cool.

She listened to one nurse tell another nurse about her upcoming boob reduction and lift and then that second nurse reflected, loudly, on her boob reduction and lift. Interesting, thought the princess. These peasant people have nothing to talk about except how they have to have doctors fix their less than perfect boobies with knives and long skinny tubes that suck out fat while I lie here with a FROZEN FACE!

The princess dozed off and woke 8 minutes later with a headache that was less than 7 on the pain scale. Ahhhh, a 2. A 2 is much better than a 7. The doctor came back and said the princess' CT scan was perfect, no bleeds and no other "extremely worrisome" problems were found. Since her headache felt better the doctor called neuro on the phone and a decision was made. Diagnosis: Bell's Palsy with the unfortunate coincidence of a migraine. Neuro said there could be some pain in the head associated with Bell's Palsy but blah blah blah blah......."

"Do you have any questions?" asked the doctor, a lovely woman with the sweetest, most soothing voice.

"Yes, one," replied the Princess. "When does Dr. McDreamy get here?"

A dose of Prednisone, with a quick tutorial of Bell's Palsy and an appointment made at the headache clinic for Monday morning and the princess was on her way.

Prognosis: Treatment is one week of prednisone and it could take up to 6 weeks BUT it should resolve itself. If it doesn't then it doesn't. Sorry about your bad luck Princess.

So far the worst part of this whole experience, besides all the waiting and having to tape her eye shut to sleep, has been trying to suck pop through a straw.

Boo hoo.....suck it up Princess.

The end.


  1. Well that sucks for you! (although written quite funny!) Hope it goes away soon. I had a friend who had it (when we lived in 8th ward up there).
    (And on a side note, the one thing I remember WELL from being sewed up after having my 4th degree tear from Alden being born is the class of students and doctors is their discussion of their upcoming Halloween party.)

  2. Glad you are okay but what a crappy experience! Are you starting to feel like the little brown house is killing you!?! Because I am!

  3. Glad to hear your doing somewhat that you actually have a name for your neurosis. Let me know if I can do anything to help out. Too bad no McDreamy showed up to give you pepsi by that would be a dream come true. And you forgot...she lived happily ever after.

  4. Dear Princess. I am sorry that your face is frozen. I am sorry that I do not have many many books for you to edit. I am sorry that I ate so much of your delicious popcorn so that you do not have as much. That is all. Feel better!

  5. Darcy Dabels "the man"August 08, 2010

    Sorry about your face babe. I do like your new smile.